How to Be a Good Neighbor in Contentious Times



This post was co-written by Dawn O. Braithwaite, Ph.D., and Clark Olson, Ph.D.

Marianne was just pulling into her carport from a long day at work when she noticed her new neighbor Susan proudly putting out a “Harris Walz” sign in her front yard several weeks before the 2024 presidential election. Marianne gritted her teeth, eyeing her own Trump sign proudly displayed in her own yard.

There was no way to politely avoid Susan, who was waving at her. “Looks like we’re going to cancel each other’s votes out,” Marianne said, trying not to sound angry. “Well,” Susan replied, “I’m just trying to do what’s best for my daughter Macy. She’s only 10, and I want her to have the same opportunities I had growing up, if not better.” Marianne replied, “You have a 10-year-old? My Lily is also 10 and goes to school at Madison.” Susan replies, “Wow, Macy goes to Madison too. I bet they probably already know each other—hopefully better than we know each other.”

Susan and Marianne’s conversation continued for a good 10 minutes, casually drifting from sharing stories about their daughters back to the contentious election coming up. “I’ve never lived in a purple state before,” Susan remarked. “This election is going to be so close. I was almost afraid to put out my yard sign, after hearing stories of signs being stolen, and acts of vandalism.” Marianne paused thoughtfully and replied, “In this neighborhood, we just try to live and let live, kind of like we hope our country can be. I don’t think you need to worry about anything.”

Before long, the two neighbors had bonded over their daughters, PTA, and the fact that their husbands both traveled a lot for work. “Let’s get our daughters together this weekend,” Susan volunteered as Marianne picked up her groceries to go in the house. “Deal,” replied Marianne.

What could have ended up an ugly disagreement in this situation turned into two people with differing political viewpoints realizing that politics took a back seat to their neighborly relationship. While they might have wound up not speaking to each other, their willingness to advance their ideas with reasons permitted this disagreement to remain just that, without escalating into an ugly neighborhood feud. We realize this interaction may be the exception rather than the rule, especially given the hot feelings in this current election. The neighbors’ actions reflected mutual respect and prevented anger and hostility from prevailing.

Elements of Civility

Why can’t all neighbors be friendly? Why do negative feelings surface the moment we find a kernel of disagreement with others? Sadly, American society is rife with incivility. This latest election has been filled with accusations, name-calling, and negative advertisements all over the media. It’s easy to see why that bleeds down to ordinary citizens as they see leaders behave with incivility. Most people don’t even know what civility is, as even a Wikipedia definition has been in existence for less than a decade.

Dr. Clark Olson and colleagues created a Civil Dialogue program and facilitated community groups and university students in discussions of controversial topics. They define civility as “Authentically sharing one’s feelings and basis for making value judgments on socially important issues. It is honestly providing insights into one’s moral code in a setting of respectfulness (Genette and colleagues, 2018).

This is what a democracy is predicated on. For democracy to exist and thrive, multiple sides must respectfully articulate their positions, essentially putting concepts and proposals into the free marketplace of ideas. The founders of our nation believed that the role of government was to achieve a common good. For example, while establishing our country, our first president George Washington advanced 110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior based on work on Jesuits in the 1590s (see The-rules-of-civility-and-decent-behaviour). Our founders, like politicians today, had differing ideas on how to accomplish a democratic republic, but somehow, through times of civility and incivility, their great experiment has endured.

Civility Guidelines

What are the elements of civility that are so crucial to maintaining a free society? We believe that civility is predicated on:

  • Authentically putting one’s thoughts and feelings forward into the free marketplace of ideas.
  • Carefully listening to the ideas of others, without interrupting or planning one’s own next response.
  • Withholding judgment, as difficult as that might be.
  • Responding in a way that is respectful when we disagree.

Much like Marianne and Susan demonstrated, we hope you will consider these elements of civility as your guidelines in conversation with your neighbors. These guidelines apply across topics and situations, for example, when we experience differences in political positions, religious values, environmental expectations, and everyday disagreements that arise in life with neighbors, co-workers, and others with whom we interact.

We understand that, in normal conversation, the guidelines can be tricky. Often, we are eager to leap in with our own counter ideas, before we allow the other person to explain their position and the process which leads up to their thinking and belief. And we often find ourselves expressing a kneejerk reaction before fully thinking about our position and how we want to best express ourselves.

It is helpful to understand that silence in a conversation isn’t negative as it allows for a thoughtful and careful expression of an idea. Taking the time to think before reacting is an important habit to practice. Silence also allows us to fully observe the other and to consciously reflect on what they want to say and do.

As always, communication matters. Given that the goal of civil communication is mutual understanding, the willingness to withhold judgments is essential to achieving this important goal.


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