As of data from 2020, four to nine percent of Americans currently identify as being in a consensual non-monogamous relationship. But is there any data that proves that more options lead to more happy marriages?
Actually, yes.
Here are five reasons why couples who practice consensual non-monogamy benefit from their choice.
1. The benefits of oxytocin
Oxytocin is well-known as the “love hormone” and benefits those in relationships of all shapes and sizes.
A study by Algoe, Kurtz, and Grewen examined 129 adults in committed relationships and found that those with higher levels of oxytocin in the 24 hours before the study perceived their partners’ expressions of gratitude as more sincere than those with lower levels of oxytocin.
Higher levels of oxytocin also predicted a higher likelihood of love and emotional levels of connection. Most notably, those with higher levels of oxytocin appeared to be wearing “rose-colored glasses” when it came to how they perceived their partners’ thoughts, words, and actions.
In addition, research shows that the protective effect of oxytocin on the ability to withstand stress can have a positive, protective effect on the couple’s relationship by exposing each member of the relationship to small stressors that will strengthen the relationship in the long run.
Imagine the quite similar process of building muscles over time by creating small tears that will later rebuild into stronger, tougher muscles—small tears equal big gains over time.
This process is also known as stress buffering.
Whether through a hug or a handshake, oxytocin increases the bond between individuals sexually, romantically, and fraternally in a way that encourages physical and emotional connection.
2. The pleasure of your partner’s pleasure makes you happier
A 2021 study by Balzarini and colleagues examined 3530 polyamorous individuals and 1358 monogamous individuals in an attempt to gauge their emotional responses to hypothetical situations in which their partner engaged in romantic behavior outside their own (primary) relationship. Results indicated that individuals in polyamorous relationships report less jealousy of their partner’s behavior and more of something known as “compersion.”
Compersion is a feeling of joy, contentment, or fulfillment that comes from knowing someone we care about is experiencing joy, contentment, or fulfillment. In short, our partner’s happiness can make us happy.
This can become more complicated if your partner’s sexual pleasure comes from someone other than you.
The anticipation of compersion, your partner experiencing sexual pleasure in an act that doesn’t involve you, is associated with relationship satisfaction in polyamorous couples.
A small 2022 study by Flicker and colleagues looked at 44 individuals in consensual non-monogamous relationships (CNM) and found that common themes that determined whether someone was able to feel compersion for their partner involved: feelings of self-worth, feeling secure in what you bring to the relationship, relationship communication, and how you feel about your partner’s metamour (your partner’s other sexual partner(s)).
3. Open relationships are statistically just as satisfying as monogamous relationships
A 2018 study by Jessica Wood analyzed data from 206 monogamous couples and 142 non-monogamous couples and found no significant differences in sexual satisfaction or relationship satisfaction between them.
A 2019 study by Muise and colleagues examined 1,054 individuals in CNM relationships and found that overall those who were more sexually fulfilled in their primary relationship were also more sexually fulfilled in their secondary relationships.
However, when they separated study participants by gender, they found that men who are fulfilled by their secondary relationship feel more fulfilled by their primary relationship. Women who are more sexually fulfilled by their secondary relationship report being less sexually fulfilled by their primary relationship.
Relationships Essential Reads
4. People in open relationships often start CNM relationships at a young age
In 2023 Arter and Bunge found that those who pursue CNM have several characteristics including a preference for autonomy, not experiencing a history of wanting to make life plans with multiple adults, and most importantly: early exposure to a lifestyle where monogamy is an option, not a mandate.
The average age an individual pursues non-monogamy is age 34, but the introduction of the concept of non-monogamy is often five to eight years earlier.
5. Support from family and friends is more important in CNM relationships
Emotional sustenance from family and friends is vital in any romantic relationship, but in a relationship that feels as if it is being critically scrutinized by the majority of the world a great deal of the time, emotional support is even more important.
A 2024 study in the Journal of Sex Research led by researcher David L. Rodrigues found that those in a polyamorous relationship with a community of social support in their corner help combat the feelings of exclusion or backlash from the more mainstream community.
Participants included 439 participants in consensual non-monogamous relationships from over 35 different countries. Regardless of the number of partners or the hierarchical partner system (primary partner versus other partners) or lack thereof.
The key finding is that those who experienced more support from their family and friends were more committed to their primary partner, felt more accepted by others, and were less likely to hide this aspect of their relationship.
Go ahead, and support your friends and family for doing what is best for them.