Why It’s So Important to Listen to Your Partner



How many times would you say that you’re fully aware of what your romantic partner is saying to you? Do conversations happen in which, several minutes later, you have to ask your partner to go back and push the replay button? Perhaps you’re putting together a list of chores and errands to get done on a weekend day. By the time you write down your own priorities, you’ve completely forgotten your partner’s contributions to the to-do list. It’s embarrassing, but you have to ask your partner to start all over again.

These situations reflect what Florida State University’s Jonathan Kimmes and colleagues (2024) consider to be a lack of mindfulness, or presence in the moment. The idea of paying attention to your experiences is by now accepted as a fundamental process in positive psychology to enhance personal well-being. The FSU researchers take mindfulness one step further, proposing that couples in romantic relationships also need to be present in the moment with each other and, just as importantly, show that they are.

Partner Mindfulness and Relationship Health

As Kimmes et al. go on to explain, mindfulness in relationships is a key component of being able to take the perspective of your partner. This, in turn, makes partners more compassionate. For example, when you get into an argument with your partner, being able to see where your partner is coming from can help you settle things more quickly than if you resolutely see the situation only from your point of view. Similarly, a mindful partner should also be more accepting of your viewpoints.

The list-making example above also shows another key feature of mindfulness, which is being actively present in the moment when your partner says something. Your needing to have the partner’s list repeated signifies that you are not present in the moment, leading potentially to your partner’s annoyance or even feelings of distrust.

In the proposed framework of the FSU authors, your drifting off during this conversation would result in a lowering of your mindfulness, not just in reality, but in your partner’s perception. Kimmes and his collaborators propose that both actual and perceived mindfulness contribute to relationship well-being.

Perceived Mindfulness as a Predictor of Satisfaction

Kimmes et al. recruited an online sample of 115 married couples (average age = 53 years), using a method known as actor-partner interdependence modeling (APIM), where scores of both partners were fed into a prediction equation. APIM allows researchers to get to the thorny problem of comparing “actual” (i.e., partner self-report) with “perceived” (report on partner) scores within couples.

The FSU researchers used as their mindfulness measure a questionnaire assessing what’s known as “trait” mindfulness, or the general tendency to attend to momentary situations. An example of a self-report item is “I rush through activities without being really attentive to them.” Participants also rated their own relationship mindfulness with items such as “I have conversations with my partner without being really attentive,” and “When my partner and I discuss an issue or work on a problem together, I behave automatically, without being aware of what I’m saying or doing.”

Stop here and rate yourself on these items. Being fully honest, do you sleep through conversations or just respond without thinking?

Now, turning the tables, put these questions in a form that would apply to your partner. Perceived partner mindfulness, in the Kimmes et al. study, consisted of rephrasing these items so that participants would rate their partners—e.g. “My partner has conversations with me without being really attentive.”

The outcome measures in this study included ratings of relationship satisfaction, closeness, and conflict resolution behaviors (e.g., “Criticize my partner”; “Carefully listen so I could understand my partner”). Again, the APIM method allowed the research team to compare self with perceived mindfulness ratings as predictors of these outcomes for each partner separately.

Relationships Essential Reads

Turning to the findings, there were relationships between self-reported mindfulness and quality outcomes. Supporting the importance of partner perceptions, in the words of the authors, “in some cases, perceived partner mindfulness could be more critical than self-reported mindfulness … being mindful may be more beneficial to one’s partner than oneself.” There was a bit of a twist in these findings, though, in that the APIM produced more significant relationships for women than men. Perhaps, reflecting gendered patterns of socialization, women are more attuned to what their partners are doing in a conversation than are men; this implies the mindfulness message needs to be shored up if you’re a man in a relationship with a woman.

How to Use Mindfulness in Your Relationship

Reflecting on the implications of their results, the FSU authors suggest that it’s important for couples to show each other that they’re being attentive but also to tune into whether their partner is also fully engaged in conversations. If not, the authors propose, take a break and wait until the partner is better able to focus. Also, considering that there is both trait and relationship mindfulness, it can be helpful not to blame a mindless partner who mentally travels elsewhere during a conversation. Some people are just better than others at directing their attention to the present moment.

Partners can, following from this logic, help each other develop the relationship communication skills that can deepen and strengthen the bonds between them. Returning to the example of the list-making situation, consider admitting that your lack of attentiveness kept you from being able to remember what your partner said. It’s, of course, better to listen in the first place, but if you don’t, the Kimmes et al. study suggests that you don’t pretend it didn’t happen. You can explain that there’s a lot on your mind, apologize for your lapse, and then move on (but be sure to listen this time!).

To sum up, there is listening in a relationship and then there is the perception of listening. The more you can shore up your listening skills, the better your relationship can be. But if you, your partner, or both, need some attentional refocusing, don’t be afraid to set yourselves up for greater mindfulness success.


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