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Some people feel like they are falling in love and suddenly desire to share more than the present; they want to share personal secrets. From childhood dreams, to past romance, to regrets, baring heart and soul can be comforting and cathartic. But not always. Research explains.

Self-Disclosure and Intimacy

Mina Choi and Catalina L. Toma (2022) explored the impact of self-disclosure and perceived partner responsiveness and intimacy.[i] They identified both self-disclosure and perceived partner responsiveness as critical components of intimacy development. Their research demonstrated that participants engaging in high (rather than low) intensity self-disclosure experienced higher amounts of perceived partner responsiveness, which enhanced feelings of intimacy. Additionally, the method of self-disclosure impacted perceived partner responsiveness, with face-to-face communication yielding a higher degree of perceived partner responsiveness than couples interacting over a computer.

Because participants were strangers, not romantic couples, this exercise was a good example of the role of subjectivity in experiencing intimacy. Choi and Toma note that within a given interaction, intimacy develops as a product of the discloser’s perception of partner responsiveness, rather than the partner’s actual responsiveness.

Social Strategies for Sharing Sensitive Secrets

Soyean Kim et al. (2024) examined the impact of self-disclosure within certain types of relationships.[ii] Among other findings, they found that although sharing personal stories is a normal aspect of relationships, some research demonstrates that sensitive self-disclosure can decrease trust, liking, and relational strength. They note, however, that upon closer examination, it appears that sensitive self-disclosure positively impacts relationship strength when viewed as appropriate, and conversely, has a negative impact when viewed as inappropriate.

Specifically, Kim et al. investigated how sharing sensitive self-disclosure impacted a social media influencer’s persuasive ability. They found that sensitive self-disclosure increases persuasion when the anticipated influencer-audience relationship is communal, which they describe as “characterized by emotional connection and mutual care,” but within exchange relationships, where an audience expects an approach that is more information-oriented, sensitive self-disclosure decreases an influencer’s persuasive impact. Kim et al. found these effects are mediated by the presence of trust within relationships that are communal, and by perceived relationship norm violations within relationships of exchange.

Romance and Personal Revelation

Considering the context-appropriate nature of oversharing, one wise choice is to move slowly. Remain attuned to the level of sharing by a prospective partner and attempt to reciprocate, as joint progressive revelation paves the way for a couple to move forward together. Consider sharing “safe” topics such as family, friends, and faith during the initial trust-building phase within what research defines as a communal relationship, before moving to a sensitive area that might make a conversation partner uncomfortable. Comfortable conversation will facilitate bonding and rapport building, which can assist in developing a healthy relationship of transparency and trust.